Sorry, not sorry: on over apologizing
“I’m sorry.”
How many times today have you heard that phrase? How many times have you said it?
I have apologized two times today, once because I was late to meet with a friend and once because someone bumped into me in Dana. Only one of those was a necessary apology. It reminded me of a social experiment I conducted my first year with a friend, which I highly encourage all of you to execute as well.
It was the first snowfall of my first year and the normal trek to Hillside was made nearly impossible by the layer of black ice that coated the pavement. My friend and I laughed as we attempted not to spill our steaming coffees while clambering up the hill. Our laughing was interrupted as three boys walked right between us, nearly toppling us in the process. As they continued to walk, unbothered by the fact that they had just nearly knocked both of us over, I called after them “I’m sorry!” My friend looked at me, horrified, and said, “why did you just apologize? They were the ones not paying attention.”
I was stunned. No one had ever asked me that before. I didn’t have an answer for her and this launched a social experiment.
For the rest of the week, whenever we were walking on the paths around campus we would intentionally not move as people walked toward us. A pattern quickly developed. Girls would always walk on the snow-covered grass to avoid us and say, “I’m sorry,” as they passed, while we noticed many boys walked right between us or simply pushed through us without saying a single word.
That week, I stopped carrying coffee as I walked in order to avoid disaster, but more importantly, I realized how frequently I said “I’m sorry” for no apparent reason. “I’m sorry” was my go-to phrase for situations that were not my fault, and often my apologies were only there to take up space.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, an apology is “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret.” As I started to pay attention to the apology patterns of girls around me, I realized they do not occur solely in the context of admitting an error.
Considering my tendencies, I found that I, like many of my peers, am guilty of over-apologizing. These realizations sparked a discussion among my friends, and we realized we all tended to over-apologize. I realized that “I’m sorry” was one of the phrases I most frequently emailed, texted, and said aloud. I had to learn how to rephrase my sentences, but more importantly, reframe my thought processes.
In my experience, society emphasizes that women should be caretakers and are inherently kinder and more empathetic than their male counterparts. Women are often expected to take on others’ burdens.
When I realized that others’ burdens and mistakes were not my fault, I stopped feeling like I needed to constantly apologize. Since our social experiment, my friends and I have held each other accountable and still point out when our apologies were unnecessary. We’re getting more comfortable with not needing to apologize for small inconveniences.
Instead of apologizing when walking past someone, I simply say “excuse me,” which is more neutral language. When I take more than thirty minutes to respond to a text, I no longer start with an apology.
I had to teach myself that it is okay for me to take up space and be an individual outside the expectation of being a constant caretaker. Though I still actively practice empathy and kindness, I have learned that every sentence does not need to start with an apology for a woman (or anyone) to embody these caring characteristics.
I hope all of you — regardless of gender identity — take a moment and pay attention to your speech patterns and what they say about your self-perception. If you find that you also constantly apologize, I encourage you to figure out why and reconfigure your language to only include an apology when necessary.
~Tara Goday `24
